Stage Four: Depression

Since this stage is so personal for me I'm not really going to make it super long because I'll start revealing stuff I rather keep to myself until the time is right to share. Just like stage two I know this stage very very well because I am accustomed to what it's like to be depressed. And I'm not talking about the occasional bad day where everything is going wrong type depression but the actual my world is caving in and the darkness is surrounding me and I don't want to leave my bed type of depression that has to be monitored.

The reason why this stage for me is hand in hand with anger is because after I'm angry I'm depressed and after I'm depressed I become angry again because I can't get scenarios out of my head. I've spent time and time again locked in my head trapped in my bed wishing that the world would just stop and that all the pain I feel would go to someone else. But as I think about that I think to myself that I don't wish this type of pain on anyone at all because it's the type of pain that makes you want to end it all. I've battled my fair share of head demons that tell me "you'll be happier if you just let go" and sometimes I agree with them but in the end I know I can't do it.

My junior year of college was my worst mental year to date because it was the year I tried to kill myself with alcohol which is why I don't drink anymore once again. It was terrible for me because I put my feelings into a boy that I knew wasn't healthy for me. So here I am again with the same pattern and same situation where I put my feelings into someone that I never wanted to be with romantically, I just wanted to be friends. That's the problem with me I want to be friends with guys but I guess the way I am gives them the wrong idea. If I openly want to be with a guy I'll make it well known that I want to be more than friends but some guys take being nice to them as me wanting to be with them.

Out of all the friendships and relationships I've dealt with this one hurts me the most and I don't know why. I don't know what makes him so different than any other guy, it might be because he is a sensitive guy and I've never really met one of those before. Every guy I've come in contact with seems sensitive but turns out to be an ass and I know it's not their fault completely. Males were raised to not be sensitive or to show their emotions because that made them weak but this boy is different. He's clearly the most sensitive boy I've ever met yet an asshole at the same time. He's been hurt so the only way he can cope with things is to hurt others around him.

When I told him that if he and I ended up not being friends anymore it would hurt me more than him and he seemed to understand that. But at the same time it was as if he was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings even after I told him that I cared for him and that he was important to me and that I valued our friendship. I was serious when I said I didn't want to lose him but he just took that and threw it in my face that he lied about caring just like he lied about everything else. He is the type to lie about things for no reason and then when confronted lies even more.

I'm tired of caring about people and not caring about myself first. I'm tired of putting people before myself and not putting myself first. I'm tired of letting people in my life that end up fucking me over and then in the end I fuck myself over because I care too much. I wish I could honestly forgive and forget all the people who have done me wrong and I hope they could do the same if I ever did them wrong. I hope and pray to live a full and happy life with no thoughts of pain anywhere.

Welp that's stage four which leaves one stage left and that's the stage I have only experienced once so it shall be interesting to see if I can achieve this stage once more.

Until next time,

Bre James

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