It's a love/hate relationship with anger because it's the one emotion that I can express so easily without any hesitation. What makes me easily angered you might ask? Well for starters I hate that I love and feel everything so deeply. I hate that I let the opinions of others get under my skin. I hate that I allow boys to control my feelings and the way I think about myself. I hate that no matter what I do I can't find any love for myself. I hate the fact that I'm becoming too "human" in a sense, I'll explain this one later on. I hate that I have allowed anger to become a well known friend. I hate that I rather be angry than sad because being angry shows that I'm not weak. So here we are folks the stage I'm very familiar with, the stage I can't seem to part, the stage that defines my world. Welcome to stage two: Anger
I won't say that I'm an angry person but I won't say that I'm a happy person either as of now I don't really know what type of person I am. I used to have a really bad temper when I was younger but as I got older and life started to happen my temper became dormant. It took longer to invade my mind and boil my temperature to the point where I wanted to flip out. But now as I'm getting even older I'm starting to notice that my old friend Anger is making its appearance much easier this time. What's it like to realize that you are growing backwards instead of forward? The reason why I ask this is because you're supposed to become more calm and collected with age. You go through your immature phase when you're a teen but once you hit your 20's you're supposed to be smarter and more careful.
Here I am one year away from being in my mid-twenties and I've let so many obstacles invade my personal growth with myself and with my mind. I'm very familiar with anger because it was an easy way to express myself. I'm mad, I'm pissed, I'm angry and you can see it all over my face and by my body language. I don't enjoy being able to express this emotion so easily but in all honesty I rather be mad than be sad. I rather be angry than be hurt and moping around. The only thing I hate most about being angry is that I want to hurt someone and that someone is particularly myself. I become angry with myself before I become angry with another person.
You know how most people have an angel and a devil that sits on their shoulders trying to convince them what they should do in a situation? Yeah well I have two devils because it seems as though my angel when on vacay and hasn't returned since. It's a constant battle fighting with my conscience and making the right choice when I have two little demons in both ears saying "do it, you know you want to" and I let them win. I know I should be more mature when handling this situation that I am currently going through but I'm,and excuse the language, I'm fucking pissed that I allowed this to happen to me.
I allowed this person to get close to me and make me put my guard down and break my walls just to have him turn around and break me. I want to punch him in the face or slap him or chop him in the throat. I want to cause harm and pain towards him but I know that's just out of anger not how I actually feel. But being able to physically take my anger out on the person who is causing all this hurt would be so nice and I know it would feed my demons. I told myself after Theo and Dylan that I would never let another male interfere with my mental and personal growth. So why am I here writing this post about being angry?
Being angry isn't necessarily a bad thing if you know how to control your anger and you don't act out in a manner that will have you on the six o clock news. I will never be so angry to the point where I want to kill someone because that's just not in my nature. The reason why I can cope with being angry is because I have dealt with a lot of stuff in my life that has caused me to become angry. I try my hardest to let things go and to not care but it's so difficult when you're the caring type. I try to give off this ice princess persona but in reality I'm the most fragile flower growing from concrete that you'll ever meet. I'm not as tough as I try to give off because my heart gets easily broken by people I care for and never want to lose.
I never wanted to lose him and I told him that it would hurt me more than him. So here I am completely destroyed by a boy who doesn't know his heart from his dick. Here I am expressing my love/hate relationship with anger because it's easy for me to cope with. Here I am making five posts because I'm grieving a lost friendship. I'm mad at myself because I always do this to myself I get too close to people who end up fucking me over no matter how hard I try to be a better person and an even better friend towards them. I told myself I would never let anger win but here I am letting anger win the battle and the war.
I don't want to be angry anymore, so hopefully and let's pray that I can get passed stage two and make it to stage three a stage I've always skipped over and have no relationship with at all.
Until next time,