Stage One: Denial

So I'm going to make five posts in correlation to the five stages of Grief which is known as DABDA or that's how I say it so I can remember it and the stages. I think this will be a great way for me to cope with how I'm feeling as of now and it will be easy for me to express myself through each post. The first stage is Denial for those of you who haven't taken psychology yet or are taking intro to psychology. Psychology was honestly my favorite subject in high school and college even though I was just average at the subject I was intrigued by the studies of various psychologists such as Sigmund Freud and his Freudian slips. Anyway let's dive into stage one which is my favorite Denial.

I could be like everyone else and say that they have never been in denial before but that's not me. I'm the type of person who can admit when I'm wrong even if I don't want to. I'm stubborn and if you believe in astrological signs, Pisces over here, then you can correlate how a person is based on what the stars say about them. Being in denial is the worst type of feeling because you know the truth but you just don't want to admit it or cope with it. I can openly admit that I was in denial for a couple of months when it came to dealing with *Tiger Smyth. I thought he was different than most boys when I first met him. Actually when I first met him I thought he was really weird but that's another story for another day.

Tiger and I didn't become close friends until maybe like mid January when I decided to be nice to him. Everything seemed chill and cool even though he had a misconception about something. After I found out that he lied to me about something back in December I didn't really want much to do with him but at the same time I still wanted to keep him in my life. That was the first mistake I made which was not confronting him from the beginning and allowing to let the little things build up. I thought to myself I'm just being paranoid because I have major trust issues when it comes to people especially people that lie to me about things instead of asking me straight up.

It wasn't until around March maybe April when I started to realize that I didn't want to be his friend anymore and that I really didn't want anything to do with him because of the games he played and the lies he told. He used to make me happy and laugh all the time but then it turned into unhappiness and fake laughter. I couldn't find a way to tell him that I no longer wanted to be friends with him so I did what I normally do best and that's sabotaging. I tried for months to delete him from snapchat but I couldn't because I wanted to try and make our friendship work. It was all such a weird and complicated situation because he thought I had feelings for him and people kept saying he had feelings for me even though he kept claiming that he liked me as a friend. To this day I still question if maybe people were right that he actually did have feelings but he didn't want to get hurt because I kept saying that we were just friends.

I was in denial because I was confused about everything that was going on between he and I but deep down I knew the truth as well. I started to become emotionally attached to him which made me care about him more than I should have. I wanted the best for him, I wanted to see him happy instead of miserable, I wanted to see him win at everything he set his mind to. But then the truth started to keep popping its head around at the fact that I no longer wanted to be friends with him. It was constant fighting with each other over little things that we would just ignore and move on to just have
another fight and it was a constant cycle.

The moment that started everything just going down hill for us was when I expressed to him how I was feeling and he ignored it by not responding to my message and then giving me the silent treatment. I should have known that was the moment and the sign that this friendship wasn't going to last and I should have ended it then and there by removing him from snapchat at that point and then cutting all communication from him. But I didn't want to do that because I was in denial and thought that I could resolve our problem and make our friendship better but I was wrong, dead wrong.

So here I am now about to post five Grief posts all related to losing this one person that I didn't want to lose and that I still want to be friends with even though the friendship wasn't healthy for me in the first place. I don't know what makes him so special to where I just don't want to lose him but I need to figure that out for my own sake. I should just let this friendship die and never revive but I just can't and I don't know why. I need an answer and I think I need that answer from him because when I say my heart is broken guys I truly mean my heart is broken. Normally I don't fight for friendships, I just pretend the person doesn't exist and move on but with Tiger I can't seem to do that and now I'm pissed and angry that I wasted my time and energy on him but I will always care for him no matter what.

This concludes post one of five I'll probably have post two up later today considering the fact it's the stage I know all so well and I'm currently stuck in.

Until next time,

Bre James

*name has been changed to protect the persons identity

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