“I let bitterness,jealousy, and fear run my life”

Now you might be curious as to why the post is titled with a quote, well to answer your question it's because it's a very relatable quote that was said by Justin Bieber in response to why he canceled the rest of his purpose tour. He said he wanted to be a sustainable person with a sustainable heart, mind, and soul and that he was tired of letting negative relationships take over his mind.

On a personal level I completely understand where he is coming from especially when it comes to negative relationships or friendships because lately those have been taking over my life. I'm not the best person in the world and I'm not the greatest friend in the world either but the one thing I do the most is care about people and their well being.

But while I'm trying to be a better person and work on myself I continue to let things and people interfere with my progress. I can't help but get mad over the fact that I'm constantly allowing people to control my feelings as opposed to having control over my own feelings. I understand that everything that happens in my life is by choice but why can't I choose the right people to have in my life?

It took a mental breakdown in college for me to realize that sometimes I am the problem and that's why I decided to get help for that but I feel like the more I try to be the best version of myself something happens to come back and just make me fall back. Karma is real no matter what anyone says but I've already dealt with it once and I feel like I'm experiencing it again because I decided to just let things happen without having a back bone and speaking up.

Back to the quote at hand I honestly feel that is exactly what I have let happen to my life I have consistently let bitterness, jealousy, and fear run my life and ruin a lot of opportunities for me when it comes to better relationships and friendships. I was bitter with the girls who had stable relationships. I was jealous of the girls who would get the guys I fancied and then rub it in my face. I was afraid to love and open myself up to others because I feel everything so deeply and I become emotionally attached to people I want to keep in my life.

Once again I have met someone that I wanted to keep in my life forever but he turned out to be a complete ass who really doesn't deserve me as a friend. I've done everything for him and yet he's never done anything for me all he did was use me for favors and for my age. I wouldn't really say I've lost friends but I'm going to use that sentence, I've lost friendships that weren't going to last because I always saw the persons true colors after awhile. But it made me think to myself maybe they were just a reflection of me because they always say your vibe attracts your tribe.

Okay so I've kind of started rambling and getting off topic but this is how I've been feeling lately because I'm going through a heartbreaking friend break up that has me bitter, jealous, and fearful that I'll never get him back as a friend because I keep acting out in anger. I'm definitely in the 2nd stage of Grief which is pretty much how I sort my life out. And if you're not familiar with DABDA it's the five stages of Grief which I am currently going through.

Welp I'm going to end it here.

Until next time,

Bre James

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