Why hello there it's funny running into you guys this late at night. It's not really that funny but I thought I'd open up with something considering I rarely come on here anymore unless something is really bothering me. And if you're reading this clearly there is something that is bothering me and I need to write to let it out rather than crying like I have been the past couple of weeks.
As of lately I just lost a friendship that meant the world to me. The crazy part is that I'm upset over it and I know that I shouldn't be because 1) there's a five year age difference between us and 2) he never really cared about our friendship in the first place. What is difficult for me to deal with is that he didn't care but he kept saying that he did. He treated me like shit and I treated him like shit thus being a shitty and miserable friendship.
For the longest I wanted to end our friendship but didn't have the courage to do it. I tried deleting him from snapchat for three months and it took the last straw the other day for me to finally delete him. I told him that I didn't want to lose our friendship because I didn't and that it would hurt me more than it would hurt him which it did. A part of me still wants to be friends with him even though the friendship was depressing and toxic.
Although he doesn't want to admit it I believe that he had feelings for me which is why he let me affect him the way that I did. As for me I did like him but then I stopped but I ultimately ended up being emotionally attached to him. Everything he would do or say would affect me in the most negative way possible. He used to make me happy until we got into our first fight which really changed the dynamic of our friendship. Then after that it seemed that was all we ever did was fight, make up and then fight again.
I went from being happy to be around him to never wanting to be around him and I would lie to myself and to others about how I felt. I expressed how I felt towards him and he ignored it which led to our first fight. Fast forward to the second fight were I was on thin ice with him but ultimately opened up to him again as a friend. I must have wrote the word friend a hundred times to prove a point that I only want to be friends and that I didn't want to lose our friendship. All I wanted from him was to care about our friendship and care about my needs as a friend.
I was always the listener for him but when I was going through something which I'm still going through he would never bother to check up on me and see how I was doing. Yet there I was asking him if he's okay and if he was depressed and he opened up to me and let me know that he was. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he did and what did I do I listened to him because I care. But now all that is over with and even though I'm really heart broken over the situation i know it was the best for him and I both to just remove ourselves from each other's lives.
I'll always care for him as a person but we both need to work on ourselves if we ever hope to be friends again. And I honestly and truly want to be friends with him again don't know why but I think it's because I do still care for him and wish him the best in life. When they say friends can break your heart too they weren't kidding and sometimes it hurts worse than an actual break up with a significant other.
Well that's all that I wanted to share because I can't keep it bottled up.
Until next time,