I know what you’re thinking “wow another post from the ghost writer”, yes yes I’m back with yet another post and this one is close to home, literally. You know when you meet people who you claim you’ll be friends with for life but you’re so focused on your own life you forget about theirs? No, well I guess that’s just me isn’t it. I just want to say that there are pros and cons to social media when it comes to relationships and friendships. Ever since I deleted my Facebook which was the main source of communication between me and my friends I have missed out on a lot of stuff. For instance, I just found out another one of my friends got married LAST MONTH and I found out through Instagram. How terrible is that? It’s okay guys to tell me the truth I can handle it even though it shows how terrible of a human and friend I am!
I am actually upset with myself and I don’t know how to feel about this realization. I found out through social media that a friend of mine got married rather than finding out from my friend themselves. The saying “keep in touch” is so foreign to me I don’t know what to think or how to feel about it. People will always say “let’s keep in touch” and what do I do you might ask? I don’t keep in touch because I’m trying to figure my life out but that just makes me an awful person to not know what is going on in my friends lives, good or bad. I’m happy when my friends are happy but I’m starting to realize that I’m a shitty person and a terrible friend.
You know what I can’t even call myself a friend to be honest because I don’t keep in touch with friends who were there for me. Now some people I really just don’t care for but those I went to high school with that I kept in touch with from time to time deserve better. It just kills me knowing that I’m missing out on life with friends because I’m consumed with trying to find myself that I have to find out through social media that they are getting married left and right. I just feel so fucked up, excuse the language, that I’m only finding things out through social media and not even word of mouth. If you had a person like me in your life who never kept in touch with you what would you honestly do?
Is this a part of my character am I just that person who only thinks I’m a good friend because I say hi from time to time? When in actuality I have no fucking clue what is going on in my friends lives? I should probably use the term friends loosely because right now I do not feel like a friend at all. How could I be so selfish to consume myself with I guess you could say myself? What type of person doesn’t check in on friends to see how they are doing in life? What type of jerk doesn’t text a friend and ask them how’s life going for you? What kind of an asshole has to find out through social media that someone they call a “friend” got married?!?
I know it may seem like I’m being hard on myself but honestly think about what I’m saying here guys. People I called my friends in high school that I kept in contact with when I had a FB are out finding their soul mates and getting married. The moment I deleted FB it’s like I excommunicated everyone from me and excommunicated myself from everyone else. I feel like a complete douche bag because I’m finding out through social media that my “friends” are getting married. I know what you might be thinking “doesn’t everyone find these things out through social media?” And the answer is yes they do but this is different these are people I would talk to every day of my life throughout high school. When I say every day I mean every damn day when I wasn’t going through one of my terrible mood fits. It’s like I went off to college and thought I was too good for my friends back home that I replaced them with other people. Now that I’m back home I don’t know anyone any more like I used to when I would talk and see them all the time in the hallways of my old high school.
Remember that post I did about self discovery, well guess what guys I’ve discovered that I’m an asshole friend. I’m shocked at myself and my behavior like what the hell happened to me that was so bad that made me this way? I mean yeah I’ve been stabbed in the back a few times by so called friends but the ones I trusted, the ones I would text all day and all night, the ones I would make an effort to see how they are doing deserve so much better. Sometimes I think to myself what if I had stayed home for college instead of going off, how would my life be and how would my friendships be? I’ve noticed that people who hated one another in high school are now best friends all because they stayed in this small town for school. What if I never got accepted to any college I applied to and just decided I was content with going to community college? Would I be a better person better yet would I be a better friend? What if I had gone to the same school as most of the people I went to high school with such as FSU, UF, or UCF would that have made a difference?
At this point in the post if you are still reading this, congrats you have just reached the realization that I am completely insane and possibly delusional if I were to think that I am such a great human being after what I have just discovered about myself. This news has me upset and honestly I want to cry thinking about all the people I’ve dismissed in my life because I thought I was “too good” for my hometown friends. All this time I thought I was doing right by the people I kept in my life when in reality I’ve been doing wrong by them and myself. I’m a fake and a fraud who can’t take my own advice and who doesn’t realize I do the exact things I criticize others for. I just can’t believe that I’ve become the very thing I didn’t want to become. I’ve become the definition of an asshole, I’m sure if you were to open a dictionary right now and look that word up a picture of me would be there. I honestly don’t understand how I could have let this happen to myself. My past has shaped me but I never knew it would shape me like this and after realizing a lot I don’t know what to do about my present or my future when it comes to friends.
Why is it hard for me to keep in touch with people like what does that really say about me and my “character”? Did I try so hard in my adolescence to be liked by people that I was consumed with just adding to my “friends lists” without actually calling them my friends? Were they just little pawns in my messed up game of chess? I’m asking a bunch of questions because I’m really upset with the fact that I’m an asshole. I’m a legit asshole who has to find out important information through social media. I have missed not one, not two, but three of my friends weddings. THREE WEDDINGS I HAVE MISSED BECAUSE I’M AN ASSHOLE.
Wow this post is getting pretty long but it was something I needed to get out there so I guess this is a vent/rant/truth serum about how much of an asshole and terrible person I am to my friends. I deserve to be friendless and alone and to not share happy moments with anyone because I can’t even commit to seeing how my friends are doing in life. I hope you all have a wonderful evening I’m going to go dwell some more on the fact that I’m a shitty person.
Bye for now,