Relapse is the name, Recovery is the constant game.

It has been awhile since I wrote a post or even reposted a post and the reason for that is because so much is going on in my life that I have put everything to the side. That includes everything that has kept me sane such as coloring, journaling, and blogging. Now I’m really not sure how to take the approach of explaining everything that has been going on because when I say a lot has been happening I mean a lot

For the past view months I have been trying to be a more rational person, if possible, and it seems to not be working. I just wish that there was some sort of device or something that can make people disappear. I’m tired all the time because my mind is constantly battling me and it’s getting to the point where it’s about to win. I’m physically exhausted because I’m exercising to get ready for weddings but at the same time I’m working a full time job now. Update: I am now a full time worker at my job that I will soon be departing for the benefit of my sanity and health.

They say that recovery isn’t easy and that it’s not a straight and narrow path. Whoever said that is absolutely right, just when I think that I’m fully recovering here comes its ugly twin relapse. The good thing is I haven’t relasped on taking care of my body I have started tracking what I eat again because this time around I don’t have distorted thinking like I did back in college when I first started. I honestly feel myself spiraling back into my old habits which is what I’m afraid of. 

My conscience is telling me to speak up while I’m telling it no because it doesn’t matter. I think my conscience is right though because I’m doing more harm to myself keeping everything I want to say in. 1/2 of the issue will be solved by this Friday, July 8th, but at the same time it won’t be because there is this person who I feel I have to have a conversation with even though I honestly hate his guts. I’m not a hateful person it really takes a lot for someone to get under my skin and make me hate them. I’m being a burden to myself after telling myself just last year that I will not let what happened in college happen again. 

But here I am writing this out hopefully putting some sense into my head. What really annoys me is how both the issues keep staring at me as if I care about their existence. This is horrible to say but I’m to the point where if something bad happened to them I wouldn’t shed a single tear or even feel any remorse. That sort of thinking is not me but the person this job has been turning me into. I really want to quit my job and move 500,000 miles away from civilization. I had these dreams of being a manager of my own company but now I just know that it’s not in my career path because in reality I just want to help save animals and people.

The only thing that seems to make me happy is helping others even when I can’t even help myself. I love being able to contribute to charities that help people and animals, if I could I would donate a large chunk of my loan money to help all charities I have donated to with small amounts. Such as saving the Dolphins, Elephants, Sharks and giving to organizations such as feeding children, sending water, the make a wish foundation, and finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. These things matter to me and not working at a well known corporate company that doesn’t know how to do anything the business or correct way.

I guess this post is my ode to keep pushing and to not give up on what I really want to do. Yes, I do still want to go back to school but I’m definitely changing my career path because after 8 months of experience in a “real” company I’ve learned it is not for me and it will never be for me. I’ve learned that I am a humanitarian who cares about helping society and that’s who I will forever be no matter how much I try to tell myself I’m this business savvy person.

This is my ode to stay on the track of recovery and to just be a grown up, I’m 23 for crying out loud and I keep my feelings to myself. Everyone around me that knows of my situation tells me that I just need closure which is true. I just need a big dose of adulthood and to for once put my foot down and be the bigger person as much as I don’t want to. Did I mention that I’m not good at being 23? I feel as though I’m stuck in my teen years where I didn’t really have to worry about this stuff. Why weren’t there any guidelines or guide books to adulthood? Someone should write one to help those like myself who have no idea how to be an adult.

Through all this trial and error I know I’ll get better and I’ll be happier when I’m finally doing what I’m passionate about. 

So enough about me, how are you guys doing today or in general?

Bye for now,

Bre James 

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2 thoughts on “Relapse is the name, Recovery is the constant game.

  1. Glad to see you posting.

    I find that listening to your conscience is 99% of the time always the right thing to do. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. At 23 I didn’t have a lot of shit figured out, and was still learning about myself/growing as a person.

    Trust me, you’re doing great.

    Liked by 2 people

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