Stage Five: Acceptance (Delay)

This post will be delayed until further notice meaning until I finally accept what is going on.

Until then

Stage Four: Depression

Since this stage is so personal for me I'm not really going to make it super long because I'll start revealing stuff I rather keep to myself until the time is right to share. Just like stage two I know this stage very very well because I am accustomed to what it's like to be depressed. And I'm not talking about the occasional bad day where everything is going wrong type depression but the actual my world is caving in and the darkness is surrounding me and I don't want to leave my bed type of depression that has to be monitored.

The reason why this stage for me is hand in hand with anger is because after I'm angry I'm depressed and after I'm depressed I become angry again because I can't get scenarios out of my head. I've spent time and time again locked in my head trapped in my bed wishing that the world would just stop and that all the pain I feel would go to someone else. But as I think about that I think to myself that I don't wish this type of pain on anyone at all because it's the type of pain that makes you want to end it all. I've battled my fair share of head demons that tell me "you'll be happier if you just let go" and sometimes I agree with them but in the end I know I can't do it.

My junior year of college was my worst mental year to date because it was the year I tried to kill myself with alcohol which is why I don't drink anymore once again. It was terrible for me because I put my feelings into a boy that I knew wasn't healthy for me. So here I am again with the same pattern and same situation where I put my feelings into someone that I never wanted to be with romantically, I just wanted to be friends. That's the problem with me I want to be friends with guys but I guess the way I am gives them the wrong idea. If I openly want to be with a guy I'll make it well known that I want to be more than friends but some guys take being nice to them as me wanting to be with them.

Out of all the friendships and relationships I've dealt with this one hurts me the most and I don't know why. I don't know what makes him so different than any other guy, it might be because he is a sensitive guy and I've never really met one of those before. Every guy I've come in contact with seems sensitive but turns out to be an ass and I know it's not their fault completely. Males were raised to not be sensitive or to show their emotions because that made them weak but this boy is different. He's clearly the most sensitive boy I've ever met yet an asshole at the same time. He's been hurt so the only way he can cope with things is to hurt others around him.

When I told him that if he and I ended up not being friends anymore it would hurt me more than him and he seemed to understand that. But at the same time it was as if he was intentionally trying to hurt my feelings even after I told him that I cared for him and that he was important to me and that I valued our friendship. I was serious when I said I didn't want to lose him but he just took that and threw it in my face that he lied about caring just like he lied about everything else. He is the type to lie about things for no reason and then when confronted lies even more.

I'm tired of caring about people and not caring about myself first. I'm tired of putting people before myself and not putting myself first. I'm tired of letting people in my life that end up fucking me over and then in the end I fuck myself over because I care too much. I wish I could honestly forgive and forget all the people who have done me wrong and I hope they could do the same if I ever did them wrong. I hope and pray to live a full and happy life with no thoughts of pain anywhere.

Welp that's stage four which leaves one stage left and that's the stage I have only experienced once so it shall be interesting to see if I can achieve this stage once more.

Until next time,

Bre James

Stage Three: Bargaining

Now this is a very interesting stage for me because I've never experienced what it was like to bargain in a situation. In reality I think that I might have experienced this, it's just that I don't remember whether or not I knew that's what I was doing. I had to google to check and see what bargaining consisted of what the real meaning of it was. According to google it means to pretty much think of a better scenario in normal terms. For instance I would say in my situation now "I wish I had treated him better" or "I wish I would have said this instead of that and maybe things would have been different".

All this time that's what I have been doing my whole life with everything. When it comes to friendships and relationships that have failed I always asked myself if there was something I could have said or done different or was this just supposed to happen. In this case I'm not sure if I really know whether or not I'm going to miss this friendship or if this was supposed to happen for the best. I'm still growing as a person and I'm still learning how to deal with things but it's not easy when you're an emotional person who goes through multiple moods signs that are triggered by the littlest things.

I'm not really going to say much about this stage because I've never really fully experienced what it's like to bargain a loss or even really grieve a loss. I mean I've lost friends but clearly their friendship didn't mean much to me because I've moved on and haven't spoken to them since. But I can tell you that stage four might be the longest post out of all five of these because just like Anger I know stage four all too well and it goes hand in hand with stage two for me so stay tuned for that one tomorrow if you're still reading these at this point.

Until next time,

Bre James

Stage Two: Anger

It's a love/hate relationship with anger because it's the one emotion that I can express so easily without any hesitation. What makes me easily angered you might ask? Well for starters I hate that I love and feel everything so deeply. I hate that I let the opinions of others get under my skin. I hate that I allow boys to control my feelings and the way I think about myself. I hate that no matter what I do I can't find any love for myself. I hate the fact that I'm becoming too "human" in a sense, I'll explain this one later on. I hate that I have allowed anger to become a well known friend. I hate that I rather be angry than sad because being angry shows that I'm not weak. So here we are folks the stage I'm very familiar with, the stage I can't seem to part, the stage that defines my world. Welcome to stage two: Anger

I won't say that I'm an angry person but I won't say that I'm a happy person either as of now I don't really know what type of person I am. I used to have a really bad temper when I was younger but as I got older and life started to happen my temper became dormant. It took longer to invade my mind and boil my temperature to the point where I wanted to flip out. But now as I'm getting even older I'm starting to notice that my old friend Anger is making its appearance much easier this time. What's it like to realize that you are growing backwards instead of forward? The reason why I ask this is because you're supposed to become more calm and collected with age. You go through your immature phase when you're a teen but once you hit your 20's you're supposed to be smarter and more careful.

Here I am one year away from being in my mid-twenties and I've let so many obstacles invade my personal growth with myself and with my mind. I'm very familiar with anger because it was an easy way to express myself. I'm mad, I'm pissed, I'm angry and you can see it all over my face and by my body language. I don't enjoy being able to express this emotion so easily but in all honesty I rather be mad than be sad. I rather be angry than be hurt and moping around. The only thing I hate most about being angry is that I want to hurt someone and that someone is particularly myself. I become angry with myself before I become angry with another person.

You know how most people have an angel and a devil that sits on their shoulders trying to convince them what they should do in a situation? Yeah well I have two devils because it seems as though my angel when on vacay and hasn't returned since. It's a constant battle fighting with my conscience and making the right choice when I have two little demons in both ears saying "do it, you know you want to" and I let them win. I know I should be more mature when handling this situation that I am currently going through but I'm,and excuse the language, I'm fucking pissed that I allowed this to happen to me.

I allowed this person to get close to me and make me put my guard down and break my walls just to have him turn around and break me. I want to punch him in the face or slap him or chop him in the throat. I want to cause harm and pain towards him but I know that's just out of anger not how I actually feel. But being able to physically take my anger out on the person who is causing all this hurt would be so nice and I know it would feed my demons. I told myself after Theo and Dylan that I would never let another male interfere with my mental and personal growth. So why am I here writing this post about being angry?

Being angry isn't necessarily a bad thing if you know how to control your anger and you don't act out in a manner that will have you on the six o clock news. I will never be so angry to the point where I want to kill someone because that's just not in my nature. The reason why I can cope with being angry is because I have dealt with a lot of stuff in my life that has caused me to become angry. I try my hardest to let things go and to not care but it's so difficult when you're the caring type. I try to give off this ice princess persona but in reality I'm the most fragile flower growing from concrete that you'll ever meet. I'm not as tough as I try to give off because my heart gets easily broken by people I care for and never want to lose.

I never wanted to lose him and I told him that it would hurt me more than him. So here I am completely destroyed by a boy who doesn't know his heart from his dick. Here I am expressing my love/hate relationship with anger because it's easy for me to cope with. Here I am making five posts because I'm grieving a lost friendship. I'm mad at myself because I always do this to myself I get too close to people who end up fucking me over no matter how hard I try to be a better person and an even better friend towards them. I told myself I would never let anger win but here I am letting anger win the battle and the war.

I don't want to be angry anymore, so hopefully and let's pray that I can get passed stage two and make it to stage three a stage I've always skipped over and have no relationship with at all.

Until next time,

Bre James

Stage One: Denial

So I'm going to make five posts in correlation to the five stages of Grief which is known as DABDA or that's how I say it so I can remember it and the stages. I think this will be a great way for me to cope with how I'm feeling as of now and it will be easy for me to express myself through each post. The first stage is Denial for those of you who haven't taken psychology yet or are taking intro to psychology. Psychology was honestly my favorite subject in high school and college even though I was just average at the subject I was intrigued by the studies of various psychologists such as Sigmund Freud and his Freudian slips. Anyway let's dive into stage one which is my favorite Denial.

I could be like everyone else and say that they have never been in denial before but that's not me. I'm the type of person who can admit when I'm wrong even if I don't want to. I'm stubborn and if you believe in astrological signs, Pisces over here, then you can correlate how a person is based on what the stars say about them. Being in denial is the worst type of feeling because you know the truth but you just don't want to admit it or cope with it. I can openly admit that I was in denial for a couple of months when it came to dealing with *Tiger Smyth. I thought he was different than most boys when I first met him. Actually when I first met him I thought he was really weird but that's another story for another day.

Tiger and I didn't become close friends until maybe like mid January when I decided to be nice to him. Everything seemed chill and cool even though he had a misconception about something. After I found out that he lied to me about something back in December I didn't really want much to do with him but at the same time I still wanted to keep him in my life. That was the first mistake I made which was not confronting him from the beginning and allowing to let the little things build up. I thought to myself I'm just being paranoid because I have major trust issues when it comes to people especially people that lie to me about things instead of asking me straight up.

It wasn't until around March maybe April when I started to realize that I didn't want to be his friend anymore and that I really didn't want anything to do with him because of the games he played and the lies he told. He used to make me happy and laugh all the time but then it turned into unhappiness and fake laughter. I couldn't find a way to tell him that I no longer wanted to be friends with him so I did what I normally do best and that's sabotaging. I tried for months to delete him from snapchat but I couldn't because I wanted to try and make our friendship work. It was all such a weird and complicated situation because he thought I had feelings for him and people kept saying he had feelings for me even though he kept claiming that he liked me as a friend. To this day I still question if maybe people were right that he actually did have feelings but he didn't want to get hurt because I kept saying that we were just friends.

I was in denial because I was confused about everything that was going on between he and I but deep down I knew the truth as well. I started to become emotionally attached to him which made me care about him more than I should have. I wanted the best for him, I wanted to see him happy instead of miserable, I wanted to see him win at everything he set his mind to. But then the truth started to keep popping its head around at the fact that I no longer wanted to be friends with him. It was constant fighting with each other over little things that we would just ignore and move on to just have
another fight and it was a constant cycle.

The moment that started everything just going down hill for us was when I expressed to him how I was feeling and he ignored it by not responding to my message and then giving me the silent treatment. I should have known that was the moment and the sign that this friendship wasn't going to last and I should have ended it then and there by removing him from snapchat at that point and then cutting all communication from him. But I didn't want to do that because I was in denial and thought that I could resolve our problem and make our friendship better but I was wrong, dead wrong.

So here I am now about to post five Grief posts all related to losing this one person that I didn't want to lose and that I still want to be friends with even though the friendship wasn't healthy for me in the first place. I don't know what makes him so special to where I just don't want to lose him but I need to figure that out for my own sake. I should just let this friendship die and never revive but I just can't and I don't know why. I need an answer and I think I need that answer from him because when I say my heart is broken guys I truly mean my heart is broken. Normally I don't fight for friendships, I just pretend the person doesn't exist and move on but with Tiger I can't seem to do that and now I'm pissed and angry that I wasted my time and energy on him but I will always care for him no matter what.

This concludes post one of five I'll probably have post two up later today considering the fact it's the stage I know all so well and I'm currently stuck in.

Until next time,

Bre James

*name has been changed to protect the persons identity

“I let bitterness,jealousy, and fear run my life”

Now you might be curious as to why the post is titled with a quote, well to answer your question it's because it's a very relatable quote that was said by Justin Bieber in response to why he canceled the rest of his purpose tour. He said he wanted to be a sustainable person with a sustainable heart, mind, and soul and that he was tired of letting negative relationships take over his mind.

On a personal level I completely understand where he is coming from especially when it comes to negative relationships or friendships because lately those have been taking over my life. I'm not the best person in the world and I'm not the greatest friend in the world either but the one thing I do the most is care about people and their well being.

But while I'm trying to be a better person and work on myself I continue to let things and people interfere with my progress. I can't help but get mad over the fact that I'm constantly allowing people to control my feelings as opposed to having control over my own feelings. I understand that everything that happens in my life is by choice but why can't I choose the right people to have in my life?

It took a mental breakdown in college for me to realize that sometimes I am the problem and that's why I decided to get help for that but I feel like the more I try to be the best version of myself something happens to come back and just make me fall back. Karma is real no matter what anyone says but I've already dealt with it once and I feel like I'm experiencing it again because I decided to just let things happen without having a back bone and speaking up.

Back to the quote at hand I honestly feel that is exactly what I have let happen to my life I have consistently let bitterness, jealousy, and fear run my life and ruin a lot of opportunities for me when it comes to better relationships and friendships. I was bitter with the girls who had stable relationships. I was jealous of the girls who would get the guys I fancied and then rub it in my face. I was afraid to love and open myself up to others because I feel everything so deeply and I become emotionally attached to people I want to keep in my life.

Once again I have met someone that I wanted to keep in my life forever but he turned out to be a complete ass who really doesn't deserve me as a friend. I've done everything for him and yet he's never done anything for me all he did was use me for favors and for my age. I wouldn't really say I've lost friends but I'm going to use that sentence, I've lost friendships that weren't going to last because I always saw the persons true colors after awhile. But it made me think to myself maybe they were just a reflection of me because they always say your vibe attracts your tribe.

Okay so I've kind of started rambling and getting off topic but this is how I've been feeling lately because I'm going through a heartbreaking friend break up that has me bitter, jealous, and fearful that I'll never get him back as a friend because I keep acting out in anger. I'm definitely in the 2nd stage of Grief which is pretty much how I sort my life out. And if you're not familiar with DABDA it's the five stages of Grief which I am currently going through.

Welp I'm going to end it here.

Until next time,

Bre James

Broken Friendships

Why hello there it's funny running into you guys this late at night. It's not really that funny but I thought I'd open up with something considering I rarely come on here anymore unless something is really bothering me. And if you're reading this clearly there is something that is bothering me and I need to write to let it out rather than crying like I have been the past couple of weeks.

As of lately I just lost a friendship that meant the world to me. The crazy part is that I'm upset over it and I know that I shouldn't be because 1) there's a five year age difference between us and 2) he never really cared about our friendship in the first place. What is difficult for me to deal with is that he didn't care but he kept saying that he did. He treated me like shit and I treated him like shit thus being a shitty and miserable friendship.

For the longest I wanted to end our friendship but didn't have the courage to do it. I tried deleting him from snapchat for three months and it took the last straw the other day for me to finally delete him. I told him that I didn't want to lose our friendship because I didn't and that it would hurt me more than it would hurt him which it did. A part of me still wants to be friends with him even though the friendship was depressing and toxic.

Although he doesn't want to admit it I believe that he had feelings for me which is why he let me affect him the way that I did. As for me I did like him but then I stopped but I ultimately ended up being emotionally attached to him. Everything he would do or say would affect me in the most negative way possible. He used to make me happy until we got into our first fight which really changed the dynamic of our friendship. Then after that it seemed that was all we ever did was fight, make up and then fight again.

I went from being happy to be around him to never wanting to be around him and I would lie to myself and to others about how I felt. I expressed how I felt towards him and he ignored it which led to our first fight. Fast forward to the second fight were I was on thin ice with him but ultimately opened up to him again as a friend. I must have wrote the word friend a hundred times to prove a point that I only want to be friends and that I didn't want to lose our friendship. All I wanted from him was to care about our friendship and care about my needs as a friend.

I was always the listener for him but when I was going through something which I'm still going through he would never bother to check up on me and see how I was doing. Yet there I was asking him if he's okay and if he was depressed and he opened up to me and let me know that he was. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he did and what did I do I listened to him because I care. But now all that is over with and even though I'm really heart broken over the situation i know it was the best for him and I both to just remove ourselves from each other's lives.

I'll always care for him as a person but we both need to work on ourselves if we ever hope to be friends again. And I honestly and truly want to be friends with him again don't know why but I think it's because I do still care for him and wish him the best in life. When they say friends can break your heart too they weren't kidding and sometimes it hurts worse than an actual break up with a significant other.

Well that's all that I wanted to share because I can't keep it bottled up.

Until next time,

Bre James

Dear Younger Bre

I just want to start out by saying I'm sorry for becoming the person you feared. I'm sorry for losing faith in happiness and I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for being so quiet and letting things boil to the point where you want to explode. I'm sorry for being quiet when you were so outspoken and witty and loved life. I'm sorry for letting boys hurt you and ruin your life and stealing your joy and happiness. I'm sorry for not speaking out when you used to always use your voice.

I'm sorry for placing your happiness in someone else's hands and causing you to feel so much pain when they left you without giving it back. I'm sorry for falling for the nice guys who made you laugh and made you feel as though you were enough even though they told you later on that you weren't.I'm sorry for not having a back bone when you needed me to. I'm sorry for growing up to be the person I promised you would never be. I'm sorry I let you down and became broken and weak from heart break and broken promises.

I'm sorry I didn't love you and that I wasn't enough.

I'm sorry Bre, please forgive me?

Bre James

This Is Why She Doesn’t Believe That She’s Beautiful — Thought Catalog

Boys like her. But not the boy. And his opinion is the only one that matters.

via This Is Why She Doesn’t Believe That She’s Beautiful — Thought Catalog

My Advice

If you are reading this then one of two things have happened 1) you’ve started college and finally left the town that was holding you back from your dreams or 2) you’ve graduated and ultimately ended back up in the town that was holding you back from your dreams but at least you have a degree. When it comes to college there are a lot of things that don’t seem real once you get there. You think that you have all the time in the world to have fun and not really worry about classes or your grades your first year. I’ll tell you a secret everything you’ve been told about college is a complete lie except for the one where they say “those four years will fly by fast” that actually is the truth.

There are so many things that can happen within those four years that are very important to cherish but at the same time you want to stay focused. When it comes to classes time management is everything but what is most important is that you choose a major you’ll love. Never settle for a major that people continue to say will help you get a job because honestly the job market will hire anyone with skills and determination no matter what they majored in. If you’re the party type where you like to have fun, hello me, then I have something important to share. Make sure you get your work done first before you play because there’s nothing worse than trying to do a homework assignment hungover.

College isn’t scary nor is it hard but it is challenging. It will challenge you mentally and it will challenge you physically. When you first start college all you want to do is have fun and mingle with people to create friendships that will either last a lifetime or end before they even begin. Don’t stress yourself out about having a ton of friends because they will come to you when you least expect it. Another thing that I want every single person to know is that financial aid is no joke and the people who work in the financial office can be a pain in your butt.

When you start to apply for colleges or you have just received your acceptance letter make sure you read and follow up on all the financial aid as possible. Get good grades that will definitely help in the long run when it comes to paying for school. It’s not cheap to attend college and it’s not easy getting the help you really need if you’re from a financial background that isn’t wealthy. Never let the fact that you don’t have enough money stop you from having fun in college but don’t do what I did and drink your financial aid. Know that there are resources out there, like Earnest, that can help make paying off your college debt much more affordable by refinancing your student loans. By educating yourself on resources that can help you refinance your student loans you won’t have to work two jobs and balance school work just to stay in school you couldn’t afford in the first place.

Budget, budget, budget don’t be afraid to save money and miss out on certain occasions because you don’t have the money. There will be other opportunities that are free within your school that you can participate in to where you can save your money while still having fun. And I don’t care what anyone says stock up on those ramen noodles because you can make plenty of meals from just one pack of noodles alone. Remember you’re not in high school anymore where your parents gave you money for food or you had some great friends who bought you food. You’re on your own with a sea of strangers going through the motion just like you, so don’t worry about being judged because they understand what it’s like to finally be free from their parents.

Honestly those fours years may seem like a drag because you’re going to classes and listening to material you won’t need in the real world. But college is one of the best decisions you can make for yourself now and in the future. I have a bachelors degree in business and guess what I’m a supervisor at one of the biggest wholesale companies ever known. Was my time in college hard? absolutely, was it worth it? of course even though I had to grow up and become an adult I wouldn’t change my experience for the world. College showed me a whole new side of life which was both good and bad but I survived and you can to if you just think logically and realistically about your surroundings.

Don’t let those four years fly by with nothing to show for. Don’t give up because the courses are too hard and all you want to do is have fun and party with your friends. You can do all that and more if you prioritize your time wisely and you’re keeping track of your grades because losing a scholarship in college is tough and it makes paying for it harder, trust me I would know. Ultimately you will go through your own experiences that differ from everyone else’s but always remember you are your own person and everything that you go through whether it’s good or bad don’t worry about because you’re not alone and you will make it.

If there was one thing I want all of you new kids on the block to know, you’re obviously to young to know them but they were great, is that you’ll have the best time of your life in college even when bad stuff happens you will be grateful for college. Granted no one likes to remember the heartbreaks, the failed classes, academic probation, which I’ve never experienced but I’ve seen people really work hard to not get kicked out of school because of their failing grades, not being able to afford your education. But in the end everything works itself out if you just have faith that you can survive. Not every experience will be bad and not every college story you hear will be the same.

It all starts with you and it all ends with you and the choices you make. Time management is your friend because that’s one thing you can’t get back. Get work done first and party later, and if you’re struggling mentally don’t be afraid to reach out to your school counselor because trust me I say that college is challenging mentally it’s challenging mentally and you want to keep your mental health strong no matter what.

Well that’s pretty much all I have to really say to all you fresh high school graduates. I mean I could go on and on about the ins and outs of college and what I’ve personally experienced which maybe one day I will and you’ll be able to see a different story than what you’re used to seeing. One thing I will say is that I’m glad I went to college and experienced what I did because it really opened my eyes to a lot of things in this world that I was too naive to acknowledge when I was 18. So enjoy your time away from home and just do your best because that’s all you can do. It’s not a competition on who can accomplish the most because trust me people who have majored in the most crucial courses end up working somewhere they never even expected to work at.

until next time lads,

Bre James